I have identified as a lot of different things in life. I think as people we go through different seasons and our identity shifts. Sometimes it’s good and seamless, and sometimes it’s difficult and confusing. Certain seasons we aren’t really sure which way we’re going or how things are going to turn out. We want to label our purpose in life and compartmentalize it so we feel better. Such as “Okay this is my job and this is what I get up and do everyday. So if people ask I have an appropriate answer and I feel like I am contributing to society.”

But what if you don’t have an exact answer? Does the unknown make you any less of a person? I believe that is my stage right now. Hold on because there is a big dose of raw honesty coming your way so bare with me.

Let me give you a snapshot of my life. I have an amazing husband. He is straight up my best friend and he loves and appreciates me in all of my quirkiness. We have three amazing kids who challenge me on the daily, but bring so much joy and love to my life at the same time. We live on a dairy farm where I am happily surrounded by animals from cows to dogs on a daily basis. Believe me when I say that I am so incredibly grateful, lucky and blessed.

Prior to our youngest son being born, I felt as though I was very much contributing to our life on the farm. I was stay at home mama and calf feeder and I felt as though I had the best of both worlds.

As per usual though, life happens. After our youngest was born my “title” you could say as well as my identity shifted. I found myself more of a stay at home mom and less of a contributing factor to the farm itself.

Never in my life have I been a stay at home mom. There has always been something else along with it. Waitress, accounting assistant, calf feeder. It took me quite a few months, post partum depression, and probably too many glasses of wine to realize that this transition had been harder on me than I originally thought. . .

I love being home with my kids. 100% I had always hoped that I would get to do something that allowed me to be with them majority of the time. Everyone is different, but for me it was always something I had wished and hoped for. So obviously A LOT of guilt came with me wanting something else to go along with it. What’s the saying? “Remember when you prayed for the things you have now.” So there was mom guilt right in my face. Loud, ugly, and not easily ignored.

Lately I’ve been trying to fill the void with fitness/ accountability coaching and it hasn’t been the most positive experience for me. Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn right? I enjoy working out, pushing myself, and taking care of my health and well being. But as I’ve come to realize, it has been hard for me to motivate others without feeling like I’m in their face or being all salesman like. I love posting my videos and pictures of my progress, but I realized that I enjoy doing that more to keep myself accountable.

It’s safe to say that I fell into the trap of trying to be like those I see and follow on social media. What they were doing worked for them so it would probably work for me too right?! Duh Hil, major no. What sets their soul on fire might not to do the same for me. I just finished reading my second book by one of my favourites Gretchen Rubin. One of the splendid truths in her books is to simply “Be Gretchen.” Stay true to herself and do what makes her happy and fills her cup no matter what others may think or feel.

Needless to say this struck a chord with me. You know one of those light bulb moments where you read the line over and over again because it makes so much sense to you. I realized that I needed to do something along the same lines. “Be  Hilary”I need to step back and get back to the basics of well. . .me. What I love, what is important to me, and what contributes to my happiness in this life.

Today in social media I see a lot of kick ass women out there doing there thing and rocking the world. They are go big or go home type ladies, and they are ready to take on the world. That is so incredibly amazing. . .but it’s also not for everyone out there. It’s okay to not want to be a big CEO, boss babe who travels all over the place and has a hundred thousand followers on Instagram. Yes it does work for some, but if the idea of that doesn’t excite you than regardless of what is on social media or what society tells you. . .You have to be okay with that. You have to be okay with forging your own path and doing your own thing. It’s going to be difficult and you”ll probably feel uncomfortable. I know it’s easier said than done and trust me I’m working on it too.

When it’s all said and done we are constantly changing and evolving. Sometimes you know exactly who you are and what you’re doing and other times life makes it a little trickier. You have to dig deep, get uncomfortable, and take a good hard look at yourself.

Right now I’m trying (key word being try), to dial back the pressure I put on myself as well as the pressure I may feel from outside sources. I’m trying to focus on what is most important to me and channel all my energy into that.

Who you are and what you do can and will change throughout your life. Of that I am 100% certain. How you embrace it is a choice that only you can make.

Me? I’m bring it back to the basics.:)

Mama Hil.xo