Those who know me well, know that I am a chronic worrier. I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. Uncertainty, fear, and lack of control are what fuel my worry fire. Even as a kid I would worry about certain situations, friendships, skating tests. Anything and everything. As an adult, the worrying by no means has gone away. If anything there is a broader spectrum of things for me to worry about. What used to be a joke and something that I “just was” has now turned into something that has the ability to be debilitating and negatively affect my health and well being. Not so funny now right? My thoughts exactly.

It’s easier for me to compartmentalize my worries by putting them into different sections of life. Lists are very comforting to me (in case my blog setup hasn’t given that away) and it helps me to narrow in on the good and bad of what’s going on in my life at any given time.  Below you will find my specific different areas of worry based on my life and what’s going on in my little world. Everyone is different so if you choose to make a list yours probably won’t look the exact same to mine.

1) Mom Worry- For most mom’s this one comes naturally as soon as we find out we’re pregnant. When your choices don’t just affect you anymore. . .well that’s parenting for you. Becoming a mom definitely intensified my worrying capabilities. I mean I worry about the future more than the now for them. Will they make friends at school? Will they be bullied? Will they be the bully? Will they make the right choices? Will they be kind? I can teach them my values and share my wisdom, but at the end of the day they will be whoever they want and they will make the choices they think are the best for them.

2) Health Worry- This is probably the biggest one for me. Hands up if you like to Google symptoms? It’s something that I do more often than I should for sure and at the end of the day it definitely doesn’t help my worrying. If anything my worrying has affected my health the most. When I worry my body basically screams at me in many different ways. I get tension headaches from clenching my jaw, stomach aches with the most excruciating pain ever (and I’m no wimp in the pain department), and not sleeping resulting in me being incredibly tired. Wanna know the most irritating thing about all of this? It’s completely self inflicted by yours truly. I worry about bigger illnesses and not being here for my kids and my family. It’s a vicious cycle and I can tell you that I rarely come out on top.

3) Relationships- I know that when I am worried and distracted my relationships suffer and I’m not giving my best self to the people I love. I’m too concerned with worrying about circumstances out of my control that I sometimes fail to focus on the here and now. This isn’t fair to my kids, my husband, or to my family and friends. It’s so incredibly important to be present with the people in your life especially your children. Our society makes it harder and harder, but without relationships we are just one lonely person. The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it.

4) My self image/purpose- I’m happy to say that as I get older, my sense of needing to be accepted by others has decreased immensely. I have a thicker skin and have more important things in my life than people who don’t care for me. On the flip side, I am always fighting an uphill battle with myself. I’ve previously said that I am extremely hard on myself and if anything that accelerates the worry in the department of my self worth. I worry a lot about not being good enough. Not being fit enough. Not feeling good enough. Not contributing enough. I worry about not achieving enough or being enough for the people who matter most. They may see me as exactly what they need and that I am 100% perfect in their eyes. . .BUT my negative self talk wins everytime. It wins the battle of trying to conquer my worrying and seems to trump the opinions of those that matter most to me.

I get it. This may seem extreme and believe me I know it is. Writing it makes it seem ridiculous and if I had a loved one going through this I would be the first person to say you’re going to kill yourself by worrying so much. I suppose the silver lining (it seems really small), is that I am more aware now than ever  what this is doing to my life. I am stuck in my world of worry and robbing myself of joy and happiness and precious moments in my life and the lives of those I love. Worrying truly brings nothing positive to the table. It brings other negative emotions to the surface. It’s almost like the emotional equivalent to the key to Pandora’s box. Inside are all the bad emotions and worrying just opens all that up again and again.

If you’re reading this and you can relate to it, I hope you decide to take charge in whatever way you need to. I don’t want to be controlled my fear or worry, or uncertainty. I want happiness and joy to lead the way. That is what I would want for those I love so why shouldn’t I want that for myself. Don’t let what ifs take that away from you. Live in the now and everything else will fall into place as it should.

“Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace.”

Mama Hil.xo