mom life

Back to School

With September already here, it means that it’s back to school time. Along with that can come an array of emotions. As a mama whose little lady is heading off to kindergarten, that means a whole new chapter not only for her but for me as a stay at home mama too. As I’ve thought about her first day I’ve also realized a trend in the conversations I have about back to school: It seems to be more traumatic for the parents than it is for our little humans. I fall into that category too if we’re being transparent and sometimes I wished the summer would never end. But then I realized that I wanted to flip the script for her sake and for mine. I don’t want to make her first day all about how sad I am. I want to fuel her excitement and let her know that she will have the best time (because it’s kindergarten and they seriously all have a blast). I’ve made a list to keep me accountable (because I love a good list) of all the things I want to remember leading up to that day to make it a positive experience for her even if I’m feeling ridiculously nostalgic.

Kids need their freedom: Just like when parents take a vacation or desperately need a date night, kids also need their space sometimes from mom and dad. That isn’t always necessarily easy when they rely on us for the majority of things and well live under the same roof of us too. As parents we influence a lot of their behaviours and decisions. Sure they all have their own personalities and quirks, but generally we steer them in the direction of right and wrong on a day to day basis. When they start going to school everyday, little by little they will have to start making decisions by themselves. Some days they will be good ones and other days not so good. All of this will be based on their own thoughts and feelings at that given time. It’s all about trial and error and as adults we go through that too (except it’s not as cute when we screw up). This is where they learn the lesson about the choices they make and the consequences that come along with that using their own judgement. It’s so good for them to learn and as parents it’s awesome to see your child come into their own even more.

They will make friends: Since it seems tedious to make new friends more as an adult (come on you feel that too), we forget that for kids it’s just a matter of saying hi. Simple, direct and to the point. Within a matter of minutes they have ten best friends, have gotten into five different fights, made up from those fights, and played twenty different games. It seems exhausting to us, but to them it’s just another day. Kids aren’t judgemental, they don’t care if you’re a boy or a girl, and they really don’t care what game they’re playing. They are basic creatures who like to play and have some company doing it. They put adults to shame in terms of acceptance, face to face interaction, and FUN! Of course there will be hard days, that comes with relationships, but each day to them is brand new. They wipe the slate clean and they don’t focus on what happened yesterday. They’re just ready to learn and play with their new friends.

Going to school EVERYDAY is okay: This topic is one of debate amongst parents of kindergarteners. Some say it’s too much and they’re too young and others think that it’s good for them especially when first grade rolls around. Personally I agree with the latter point of view but like I’ve said before #youdoyou My theory is the great thing about kids is that they have endless amounts of energy. I wish I could bottle that up. Are they going to be tired? Yep. Will they fall asleep on the bus or eating dinner? Most likely. But it’s mainly because they are soaking up all sorts of change. Kids go go go until their battery is completely drained. That’s all they know how to do and they definitely don’t want to miss anything. Of course there will be an adjustment period that comes with any sort of change, but I don’t think it’s fair to project our possibly fearful emotions onto them. If they seem extra tired, that’s normal. If you choose to keep them home one day a week, then do what works best for you and your family. All I’m saying is to give them a chance because they have a way of surprising us. Kids take it day by day and so should we.

Kindergarten is just the beginning: In this season of life, especially if this is your first child going off to school, kindergarten seems HUGE. It looks big and scary and life altering. Many times that’s how we approach change. As a big scary monster lurking in the shadows. But how do our kids see it? As an adventure and a mountain that they are for sure going to climb. I always try to put things into perspective and think about the big picture. Sending your child to kindergarten compared to seeing them go off to college or university. See what I mean? I will cross that emotionally charged bridge when I get to it. Just look forward instead of backwards. Sure they aren’t little babies anymore, but think about when they see you after school how excited they are going to be. They will have hundreds of different stories to tell you (some you will hear over and over again) and they will have artwork and accomplishments that they can’t wait to share with you. With the hard comes the amazing especially when it comes to our kiddies.

So yes you are most certainly allowed to be nostalgic. You’ve earned that right. And yes I do have a heart but I am merely speaking from previous experience. My oldest son is cruising into grade five and I can still remember his very first day of school. It was hard but I can say firsthand how transformative and awesome kindergarten was for him. If you think of it, it’s the best of both worlds. They get to learn, play, and develop important skills all at the same time #winning. So to all you parents out there, make this first day about the littles. Be excited and encouraging even if it hurts you a little inside. They feed off of you and if they see how ecstatic you are they’ll know it’s all good. Good luck to all you mom’s and dad’s out there and good luck to all your kiddies too! Remember to enjoy the ride along with them:)

“You’re off to great places. Today is your day! You’re mountain is waiting so get on your way!- Dr. Seuss.

Mama Hil.xo

Give Yourself A Break

Well summer is officially here. The kids are PUMPED and the questions of “What are we doing today?!” or “Where are we going?!” are upon us. Every summer I worry that I’m not going to have enough for my kiddies to do or they are going to look back and think “That was the worst summer ever.” While I do have day trips planned I’ve decided to “TRY” and be chill this summer. Take the pressure off of myself and get rid of the guilt that can sometimes consume me. In true Mama Hil fashion here is a list of ways I plan to take it easy on myself (feel free to be inspired and do the same for yourself).

1- Let my kids play. . .by themselves! Crazy concept I know. Use your imagination kids! I remember when I was a kid, after a school year of been hovered over by teachers, I wanted my parents to give me some space. I get sucked into feeling guilty as a parent and feel like I should ALWAYS be right with my kids doing what they’re doing. I have come to realize though that when I get involved too much, I either annoy my kids or that’s when the fights break out (go figure). So this summer parents, when your kids are hanging outside, pull up a lawn chair, maybe read that book that’s collecting dust, and let their creativity take over for them.

2- Yes my kids will have screen time this summer. . .#sorrynotsorry Some parents are very strict about screen time with their kids. That is totally cool with me #youdoyou. We all have certain things we’re more strict with. There is no right way to parent and every kid is different. But in the morning when I am trying to make myself presentable (you’re welcome) or if I’m looking for just a half hour of quiet time, the tv will most likely be going on. Just like adults need their chill time, kids like that too. So if you need just a few moments of sanity, than feel free to flip on that telly.

3- It’s okay to not go on a million road trips- A lot of the time kids think because they are on summer vacation, the rest of the world is too. Sorry kids. There are summer camps for a reason. Parents work and still have to adult throughout the week. As a parent, guilt once again may trick you into believing that you have to drive for a few hours in every direction to really mean that you took your kids somewhere. Most times I find that taking your kid to your towns splash pad or park is more exciting for them than anything you took months planning. Think like a kid this summer. Keep it simple and realize that if you’re working all summer and don’t have the ability to take your kids all over, chances are they are totally okay with it.

4- Smores, watermelon, and ice cream on the menu- Come summertime, parents no longer have to pack lunches (bonus) and the heat implies yummy treats and smore filled fire nights. Somedays your kids aren’t going to eat all their fruits and vegetables, and it may seem like their diet consists of more sugar than usual. Having a bit more sugar, and relaxed menu throughout the summer won’t destroy your kids for life. I remember living off popsicles on really hot days, and hot dogs because we clearly had sophisticated pallets. Maybe take it down a notch and remember what it was like to be a kid. Most of us turned out just fine. Spending more time outside is more beneficial than planning a five course meal every night.

5- Yes splash pads and pools do count as baths- Sandboxes, chlorine, beach days, sweating everywhere days, and that campfire smell. All of these things are the smells and grosseness (totally not a word but oh well) of summer. Chances are after long days and late nights, your kids aren’t going to be bathed as regularly. Parents are tired and we all know how kids feel about bathing. Kids don’t smell as much as adults do (sorry parents you need to keep showering for obvious reasons) so not bathing them EVERY SINGLE DAY doesn’t make you a bad parent. Loosen the reins and realize that if someone has an issue with your dirty kids, chances are they either don’t have children of their own, have serious control issues, or aren’t really your kind of people anyways.

I could go on and on about becoming more chill this summer and I get that for most of us it’s hard. One thing I’m pretty strict on is keeping a semi decent bedtime because come September it’ll be a tricky transition back into the school routine if I don’t. See, we all have our thing. Maybe you are thinking “I cancel my cable for the summer for no screen time” or “My kids will have no extra sugar over the summer” and that is completely cool with me. As parents we all feel guilty about different things, and we all definitely have very different kids. Some need structure, and some love to be wild and free over the summer. My Motto for this summer is “If it doesn’t go with the flow, than let it go.” Stay on your path, do what you wanna do for the summer, and lay off on the comparison and guilt trips for a few months. Your sanity will thank you.

Mama Hil.xo

 

World of Worry

Those who know me well, know that I am a chronic worrier. I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. Uncertainty, fear, and lack of control are what fuel my worry fire. Even as a kid I would worry about certain situations, friendships, skating tests. Anything and everything. As an adult, the worrying by no means has gone away. If anything there is a broader spectrum of things for me to worry about. What used to be a joke and something that I “just was” has now turned into something that has the ability to be debilitating and negatively affect my health and well being. Not so funny now right? My thoughts exactly.

It’s easier for me to compartmentalize my worries by putting them into different sections of life. Lists are very comforting to me (in case my blog setup hasn’t given that away) and it helps me to narrow in on the good and bad of what’s going on in my life at any given time.  Below you will find my specific different areas of worry based on my life and what’s going on in my little world. Everyone is different so if you choose to make a list yours probably won’t look the exact same to mine.

1) Mom Worry- For most mom’s this one comes naturally as soon as we find out we’re pregnant. When your choices don’t just affect you anymore. . .well that’s parenting for you. Becoming a mom definitely intensified my worrying capabilities. I mean I worry about the future more than the now for them. Will they make friends at school? Will they be bullied? Will they be the bully? Will they make the right choices? Will they be kind? I can teach them my values and share my wisdom, but at the end of the day they will be whoever they want and they will make the choices they think are the best for them.

2) Health Worry- This is probably the biggest one for me. Hands up if you like to Google symptoms? It’s something that I do more often than I should for sure and at the end of the day it definitely doesn’t help my worrying. If anything my worrying has affected my health the most. When I worry my body basically screams at me in many different ways. I get tension headaches from clenching my jaw, stomach aches with the most excruciating pain ever (and I’m no wimp in the pain department), and not sleeping resulting in me being incredibly tired. Wanna know the most irritating thing about all of this? It’s completely self inflicted by yours truly. I worry about bigger illnesses and not being here for my kids and my family. It’s a vicious cycle and I can tell you that I rarely come out on top.

3) Relationships- I know that when I am worried and distracted my relationships suffer and I’m not giving my best self to the people I love. I’m too concerned with worrying about circumstances out of my control that I sometimes fail to focus on the here and now. This isn’t fair to my kids, my husband, or to my family and friends. It’s so incredibly important to be present with the people in your life especially your children. Our society makes it harder and harder, but without relationships we are just one lonely person. The grass isn’t greener on the other side, it’s green where you water it.

4) My self image/purpose- I’m happy to say that as I get older, my sense of needing to be accepted by others has decreased immensely. I have a thicker skin and have more important things in my life than people who don’t care for me. On the flip side, I am always fighting an uphill battle with myself. I’ve previously said that I am extremely hard on myself and if anything that accelerates the worry in the department of my self worth. I worry a lot about not being good enough. Not being fit enough. Not feeling good enough. Not contributing enough. I worry about not achieving enough or being enough for the people who matter most. They may see me as exactly what they need and that I am 100% perfect in their eyes. . .BUT my negative self talk wins everytime. It wins the battle of trying to conquer my worrying and seems to trump the opinions of those that matter most to me.

I get it. This may seem extreme and believe me I know it is. Writing it makes it seem ridiculous and if I had a loved one going through this I would be the first person to say you’re going to kill yourself by worrying so much. I suppose the silver lining (it seems really small), is that I am more aware now than ever  what this is doing to my life. I am stuck in my world of worry and robbing myself of joy and happiness and precious moments in my life and the lives of those I love. Worrying truly brings nothing positive to the table. It brings other negative emotions to the surface. It’s almost like the emotional equivalent to the key to Pandora’s box. Inside are all the bad emotions and worrying just opens all that up again and again.

If you’re reading this and you can relate to it, I hope you decide to take charge in whatever way you need to. I don’t want to be controlled my fear or worry, or uncertainty. I want happiness and joy to lead the way. That is what I would want for those I love so why shouldn’t I want that for myself. Don’t let what ifs take that away from you. Live in the now and everything else will fall into place as it should.

“Worrying does not take away tomorrow’s troubles. It takes away today’s peace.”

Mama Hil.xo

The Rut

Truthfully I have been wanting to do a blog post about being in a rut for quite sometime. I think it’s a feeling or a place that everyone can relate to. I would start something and then delete and then start again. It’s hard to describe and it’s different for everyone. It started out as talking about a “Mom Rut”, but mom’s aren’t the only ones that go through something like that. You could appear to have everything together and your life is going exactly where you want it to. . .and yet still feel stuck or in a weird place in life.

A rut can seem like it’s more of a crater at times. Or a deep hole that you can’t seem to climb your way out of. No matter what you decide to call this feeling or place in your life, it seems that the best way to describe it (and super sophisticated too) is blah. Not sure that is even considered a word but we’re going to go with it because it seems pretty universal.

We experience ruts for various reasons because well. . .life. There are always changes, and growing pains and forks in the road that are constantly challenging us and how we view our lives. I always say that when you are in the “rut” it’s okay to visit. Be there, feel what you need to feel BUT never unpack. Look at it as a rest stop in life, not your final destination.

Generally when you’re feeling stuck it’s most likely an inside job. Something underneath the surface needs to be acknowledged or an underlying problem needs to be addressed. It’s easy to magnify the negatives in our lives and point fingers at people who have caused us pain. Truthfully this does nothing for you. It won’t solve your problems, make you feel any better, or fix anything. What you need to be doing is taking a deeper look and try to focus on the good stuff you have going on around you. I know it sounds cliche but it can be the smallest thing that brings joy to your life (good is good right?!)

As someone who has been in a rut (if you say you haven’t you’re lying because we’ve all been there), I have some telltale signs that tell me I’m heading there if I’m not already there. We like to think ignorance is bliss, but it has its own way of catching up with us. So here is MY quick list/ signs of a rut:

1. Comfy clothes all day everyday (basically wearing anything with the word sweat in it)- Yes I am a stay at home mom, and some days we don’t leave the house. Unfortunately if I’m in deep I will go for days wearing SWEATshirts, SWEATpants (get my point), leggings, and yoga pants. Basically anything with spandex, two sizes two big, and doesn’t require a button. Sounds like a dream for some but I can feel the judgement coming even from my one year old.

2. Netflix and chill. . .and nothing else- We all love our Netflix, but generally you should try and socialize from time to time. Cuddling with my snaggle tooth bulldog apparently doesn’t count as socializing. The people that love you are good for your soul. . .and they’re also the one’s that don’t judge you when you wear sweatpants too much. (Side note- you should maybe put some jeans on when you go out with friends. Do your booty good)

3. Wine o’clock- Love me some wine. But when it starts to make an appearance more often than not, I know it’s time to break up. Apparently drinking wine doesn’t count as a serving of fruit and doesn’t hydrate you the same as water?!. . .I was shocked too.

You may be thinking at this point “wow okay so this mom of three is a lazy, sweatpant wearing, hermit alcoholic?” First of all no judgement zone here. Secondly, the things  I listed don’t all happen in the span of eight hours. If one of these scenarios keeps occurring, it usually wakes me up a little bit and I’m like okay let’s figure out what’s going on.

Joking aside it’s good to be able to know when you’re heading for a not so great place physically, mentally or emotionally. I put a light sarcastic spin on it but I know how crummy it feels to feel like you aren’t really going anywhere. We are our worst critics and we put more pressure on ourselves than anyone else. Pressure to do more, be more, make more. The comforting thought in all of this? You’re not alone when you feel like this. We all feel it at some point. We all deal with it differently. BUT the core emotion of being stuck/ in a rut (whatever you wanna call it go with that) is that it truly is a universal feeling.

Long story short, this feeling that you have isn’t going to go away unless you DEAL WITH IT. Yup, that’s right. I’m not saying you are going to have everything completely figured out by tomorrow, but you most definitely have to start acknowledging what is going on. Feelings and gut instincts are not to be ignored. Feeling in a rut is your wake up call or blessing disguise meant to bring your awareness back to yourself and what you’re needing more or less of in your life.

I’ve let you know that you’re not alone in feeling this way (while making me look fairly dysfunctional. You’re welcome), so now the ball is in your court to get yourself going again. Recognize when it’s happening and develop your own set of skills to help you move forward. Keep the conversation going about “The Rut” in case someone you know needs the same reassurance.

Mama Hil.xo

 

 

Things I should care about. . .but don’t

There are a lot of opinions out there on just about every topic you can imagine. Parenting is no exception to this. Social media definitely inflates this and can sometimes drive a parent to the brink of insanity by making us think that we need to care about anything and everything. I’m here to say that there are quite a few things when it comes to parenting my children that I just don’t care about. Sorry, they just aren’t on my radar. I am sharing them in an effort to perhaps help another parent who maybe feels the same way but doesn’t want to feel like a) a bad parent or b) like they are the only crazy one out there. Never fear I’m right here with you. So here it goes- the list of things I don’t care about but sometimes feel like I should.

Cleaning my kids toys- Nope sorry. I hate cleaning as it is and once my kids go to bed sitting down and wiping every single toy they touched is not high on my priority list. The dog just had it in there mouth? Cool. Dropped it in dirt? I’ll just wipe it on my already dirty shirt and we’ll be good to go. Germs are everywhere and I’m just not that mom that is going to try and fight every single one.

Packaged snacks in my kids lunches- My kids always get fruit and veggies in their lunches. I always say they eat better during the week when I have to make their lunches than they do on the weekends (cereal for lunch? sure thing!) BUT I don’t skimp on the slightly sugary snacks either. So yes my kids will get teddy grahams and fruit gummies in their lunches along with the good stuff. It’s the little things in life that really put a smile on their faces, so the sugar will remain in the lunchbox.

Occupying my kids ALL THE TIME- I love my kids obviously, but at some point all children need to learn how to occupy themselves and use their IMAGINATION. Nowadays it seems as though there is this pressure be on our kids all the time. CONSTANTLY engaging with them, activities for them to do, places to go and educate them. I am a firm believer that like adults, sometimes kids just need to be left alone. Don’t poke the bear. I am all for doing fun things with your kids but at the same time independent play is a beautiful thing not only for them but for you too.

Where my kids go to school- I could be totally wrong here, but I always believed that there are rough crowds everywhere. Every school has them. Elementary school, high school, colleges and universities, catholic, private, whatever may be out there. Real life entails some pretty rough and not so great people too. What school you go to doesn’t indicate what type of person you are going to be. All you can do is trust that your kids will choose to surround themselves with people that care about them.

At the end  of the day “to each their own” You do you and I’ll do me. If there is anything that becoming a parent has taught me it’s that you need to pick your battles, toughen up your skin, and don’t lose sight of what is really important.

Stay in your lane and do what works best for your fam jam. It’s okay to agree to disagree. Every parent is different, every child is different, and every family is different. We’re all just flying by the seat of our pants most of the time anyways. So let’s raise a glass (it’s 5 o’clock somewhere) and show some solidarity with fellow parents. At the end of the day we all end up feeling like snack bitches, chauffeurs, maids, and personal chefs on the daily.

If there is anything I want you to take away from this it’s a good laugh and the feeling of knowing that you aren’t alone. You’re never alone

Mama Hil.xo

 

Back to Basics

I have identified as a lot of different things in life. I think as people we go through different seasons and our identity shifts. Sometimes it’s good and seamless, and sometimes it’s difficult and confusing. Certain seasons we aren’t really sure which way we’re going or how things are going to turn out. We want to label our purpose in life and compartmentalize it so we feel better. Such as “Okay this is my job and this is what I get up and do everyday. So if people ask I have an appropriate answer and I feel like I am contributing to society.”

But what if you don’t have an exact answer? Does the unknown make you any less of a person? I believe that is my stage right now. Hold on because there is a big dose of raw honesty coming your way so bare with me.

Let me give you a snapshot of my life. I have an amazing husband. He is straight up my best friend and he loves and appreciates me in all of my quirkiness. We have three amazing kids who challenge me on the daily, but bring so much joy and love to my life at the same time. We live on a dairy farm where I am happily surrounded by animals from cows to dogs on a daily basis. Believe me when I say that I am so incredibly grateful, lucky and blessed.

Prior to our youngest son being born, I felt as though I was very much contributing to our life on the farm. I was stay at home mama and calf feeder and I felt as though I had the best of both worlds.

As per usual though, life happens. After our youngest was born my “title” you could say as well as my identity shifted. I found myself more of a stay at home mom and less of a contributing factor to the farm itself.

Never in my life have I been a stay at home mom. There has always been something else along with it. Waitress, accounting assistant, calf feeder. It took me quite a few months, post partum depression, and probably too many glasses of wine to realize that this transition had been harder on me than I originally thought. . .

I love being home with my kids. 100% I had always hoped that I would get to do something that allowed me to be with them majority of the time. Everyone is different, but for me it was always something I had wished and hoped for. So obviously A LOT of guilt came with me wanting something else to go along with it. What’s the saying? “Remember when you prayed for the things you have now.” So there was mom guilt right in my face. Loud, ugly, and not easily ignored.

Lately I’ve been trying to fill the void with fitness/ accountability coaching and it hasn’t been the most positive experience for me. Sometimes you win and sometimes you learn right? I enjoy working out, pushing myself, and taking care of my health and well being. But as I’ve come to realize, it has been hard for me to motivate others without feeling like I’m in their face or being all salesman like. I love posting my videos and pictures of my progress, but I realized that I enjoy doing that more to keep myself accountable.

It’s safe to say that I fell into the trap of trying to be like those I see and follow on social media. What they were doing worked for them so it would probably work for me too right?! Duh Hil, major no. What sets their soul on fire might not to do the same for me. I just finished reading my second book by one of my favourites Gretchen Rubin. One of the splendid truths in her books is to simply “Be Gretchen.” Stay true to herself and do what makes her happy and fills her cup no matter what others may think or feel.

Needless to say this struck a chord with me. You know one of those light bulb moments where you read the line over and over again because it makes so much sense to you. I realized that I needed to do something along the same lines. “Be  Hilary”I need to step back and get back to the basics of well. . .me. What I love, what is important to me, and what contributes to my happiness in this life.

Today in social media I see a lot of kick ass women out there doing there thing and rocking the world. They are go big or go home type ladies, and they are ready to take on the world. That is so incredibly amazing. . .but it’s also not for everyone out there. It’s okay to not want to be a big CEO, boss babe who travels all over the place and has a hundred thousand followers on Instagram. Yes it does work for some, but if the idea of that doesn’t excite you than regardless of what is on social media or what society tells you. . .You have to be okay with that. You have to be okay with forging your own path and doing your own thing. It’s going to be difficult and you”ll probably feel uncomfortable. I know it’s easier said than done and trust me I’m working on it too.

When it’s all said and done we are constantly changing and evolving. Sometimes you know exactly who you are and what you’re doing and other times life makes it a little trickier. You have to dig deep, get uncomfortable, and take a good hard look at yourself.

Right now I’m trying (key word being try), to dial back the pressure I put on myself as well as the pressure I may feel from outside sources. I’m trying to focus on what is most important to me and channel all my energy into that.

Who you are and what you do can and will change throughout your life. Of that I am 100% certain. How you embrace it is a choice that only you can make.

Me? I’m bring it back to the basics.:)

Mama Hil.xo