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Life after miscarriage

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3 months ago almost to the day, my husband and I heard words that came out of the doctors mouth that will forever be engrained in our minds: there’s no heart beat. . . .All I could do was cry in hopes that it would clear the thoughts running through my mind and that it would wake me from this terrible dream I was having. How could I have a miscarriage? I have two children already so clearly there is no way this could be happening to me. Was I being punished for something? Was this just bad karma? Did I exercise too much while being pregnant? Why why why? Isn’t that the ultimate question?. . . .Why?

I figured that along with any other grief I had encountered,  this would hurt for a while and then I would just move on. Life doesn’t slow down or stop for you. I consider myself to be a pretty strong person. Whenever I’ve encountered a struggle or hardship in life, I think I’ve come back stronger and wiser than I was before.

BUT this whole process has ROCKED ME TO MY CORE. There is no better way to describe it. I have never felt so out of tune with my emotions, my body, and even the world around me. I felt like there was a hole in my stomach , an ache that I don’t think will ever truly go away. Something was taken from me that I had no say in. The decision was inevitably made for me and I wasn’t okay with it. I cried and cried and cried and then cried some more. I didn’t know what else to do. Nothing else seemed to make sense or help. And even the crying only helped for a short period of time. I knew that life would go on and eventually things would return to somewhat normal. A part of me selfishly wanted everything to just STOP if only for a moment. Stop so I could figure myself out. Stop so I could process what was happening and at least try to make sense of it. But as many people who have suffered a loss know, things don’t quite work like that.

When life throws you a curve ball and you swing and miss, you still need to keep playing. Your team or the people you love need you. They want to play alongside you and they want to see you succeed. I feel as though I have gained a lot of clarity through this process which has been a positive from a very hard and saddening situation. I was shown just how amazing my husband is. I knew it before but he was my #1 support through our miscarriage. I never for a second doubted him and we are even closer now than we were before which I didn’t think was possible. I have some amazing friends who never wavered and were there without asking any questions or making me feel guilty for the way I was feeling. I was very saddened to see that someone who I thought would always be there for me simply wasn’t.  It was my mom. For whatever reason she wasn’t there for me even for a second and I have come to terms with the fact that I can’t change it and the way she reacted has nothing to do with me. It’s easy to believe people when they say they are there for you but you will never really know if that’s true unless something like this happens.

In the end I have learned a lot about life. How fragile it is and that nothing is ever guaranteed. That people can surprise you in the best and worst way. That you are almost always stronger than you give yourself credit for. And more importantly, that we don’t have as much control as we like to think we do. Events are going to happen whether you want them to or not. Whether you’re ready for them or totally unprepared. Whether the people in your life are going to support you or walk away. All I know now is that I carry hope in my heart that there will be a rainbow after this crazy storm and there is still lots of joy and happiness coming our way. And the most important thing that keeps me going is that even though we never got to meet our precious baby , hear their heart beat, or feel their warm touch. . .they were surrounded by so much love.xoxo

All in love❤

Hilary. B

Pressures of a Stay at Home Mom

The title of this blog may seem strange to some. I thought only working mom’s had the weight of the world on their shoulders? I think it’s safe to say that all mom’s tend to carry the weight of not only their lives, but for the people they love as well. Whether you work away from home, at home, or caring for your children is your full time job, it’s all hard and you are certainly not alone in thinking that. I have been a working away from home mom, and now I am able to stay at home with my children. I didn’t realize the pressure, guilt, and stress that mom’s who stay at home put on themselves. . .until I became one. I’ll admit I thought it would be so nice. I would be able to go out for coffee with fellow mom friends, have the cleanest house on the block, and cook three course meals every night for my husband and kids to enjoy. WRONG! I’m lucky if I get a shower in, there is always some sort of food on my kitchen floor that I let the dogs vacuum up, and I still go through the drive thru when I realize that it’s dinner time and I have nothing out for supper. Whoops! SOOOO I thought I would list some of the pressures that I have been feeling the most during my time at home:

  1. TAKE YOUR CHILD TO EVERY PLAY GROUP KNOWN TO MAN KIND- It’s true that play groups are a good way to get out of the house, keep your sanity, and if you’re lucky maybe make some new mommy friends. But sometimes getting out of the house seems like the worst idea in the world. Sometimes we just want to stay at home with our children, stay in our pajamas, and nurse our cups of coffee without wrangling kids out of the door on a time crunch. Years ago, there weren’t any play groups and I think we turned out just fine. No one should dictate to you what you should do with your own children.
  2. YOU MUST MAKE FRIENDS WITH EVERY MOTHER YOU MEET- When I do venture out to play groups my main priority is to have a fun time with my children and to get us out of the house for a bit. Some mom’s feel as though they have to connect and get every mother’s phone number they meet and set up coffee dates and play dates. Truth is, motherhood can be it’s own form of high school. You aren’t going to like every mom you meet, I could name a few, and they  aren’t always going to like you. Accept it and don’t feel like you have to change who you are and what kind of parent you are. Enjoy the time with your children!
  3. WHAT DID YOU DO TODAY?- This is the worst question a spouse could ask to someone who has been at home looking after children all day. I think kept our children alive is a valid response. Some days it does seem like survival and that is a normality in the parenting world. If you try to have at least one day a week where you are really productive like cleaning the bathrooms, or making an extra special meal, or catching up on laundry, then that is a really big deal for you! Time gets away on us, and spending quality time reading or laughing with your child is more important than dishes in the sink, or clothes waiting to be folded. Don’t worry they will be waiting for you at the end of the day 🙂
  4. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE MONEY?- It’s true that being a parent is a full time job. Unfortunately parents don’t get paid what they’re worth. There’s a reason there are so many companies that are run from mom’s (and even dad’s)  who are at home. Think Epicure, Thirty One, Pampered Chef, Scentsy, the list goes on. I know women who work for these companies and they absolutely love it. They get some extra cash in their pockets and everyone is happy at the end of the day. But there are parents who don’t feel like they need to do this nor do they want to. And that’s okay. If you and your spouse have figured out your financial situation and you not earning money doesn’t cause added stress, then count your lucky stars. Don’t feel like you have to be roped into selling people things they don’t really need. Spend your days the way that works best for you.

I could truly go on and on, but I think you get the point. We are all faced with pressures whether you’re at an office all day, or your living room is your office. We wouldn’t want our kids to be pressured into things they don’t want to do, so why should we be any different. Do your thing, and if someone has a problem with it, feel free to tell them where they need to go 🙂

New to the neighbourhood

My very first blog post on WordPress.com! I am a stay at home mama, wife to a dairy farmer,animal lover, fitness enthusiast, friend, daughter, sister, everything you’ve probably heard before. Give me a break I’m new at this! My day to day life is full of quirks, surprises, inspirational moments, chaos, temper tantrums, poopy diapers, loads of laundry, cold suppers, late nights, blood, sweat, and tears. Maybe I was exaggerating a little at the end but you get the bases of it. I have a lot of thoughts throughout the day that can range from grocery lists, to how I’m going to pay for my children’s college or university. The wheels are always turning and sometimes that can be exhausting. When I have a moment of peace there is nothing I love more than reading a good blog that can either be hysterical, pull at your heart strings, or better yet both! I know there are a lot of mamas out there just trying to survive the day to day just like me. No we aren’t kidding. Motherhood, marriage. . .it’s all a lot to juggle. But here we are, being the best clowns in the circus by juggling more than anyone else. I hope that this blog is something that anyone really can sit down with a cup of coffee and relate to. I’m sure you won’t always agree with me, and I don’t expect you too. I hope you laugh, maybe get a good cry, shake your head, nod your head, whatever it is you do behind your computer screen. Please try and keep it PG:) I will be talking about everything from being a mama, working on a dairy farm, relationships, healthy eating and fitness. I’m up for anything. If there’s something you want to hear my opinion on (God help you) then ask away. That’s what a blog is all about right? So I hope if you get anything out of my posts, it’s the feeling that there is someone else out there dealing with similar day to day tasks and challenges. We’re all in this crazy thing called life together.xoxo mamahil